As I’ve traveled along my path, I’ve worked to let go of people, worries, fears, cares, concerns, self doubt and self hate.
In the last several weeks there has been some letting go of a very basic idea I’ve always held about myself. I am the little girl that wasn’t wanted by the father. It wasn’t personal, he just didn’t want kids at all.
I’ve always seen myself as partially unloved and unwanted and I clearly saw the connection of this and why I have had the problems I’ve had all my life. I’ve been a fighter and created my life with this view.
I saw it clearly – one day while working with my emotions and thoughts in my quiet place. I saw it…I’ve been fighting for this unloved part. I created a whole life with this person in the center, always wanting to be loved but never really feeling it.
And here’s the way I did it…I would love others, sometimes sacrificially, I would give and share and help…but then I expected and wanted to be loved back.
When that rarely happened, I would get angry because they did it wrong. And then of course, they liked me less.
As I remembered this faces and situations flashed by and I could see that I have recreated the situation over and over with people all my life.
I also realized that nothing was ever about anybody but me. Except my parents who gave me the world view I had. And I can see clearly now that they were just handing down what they were taught about themselves by their parents. Just as I did with my children.
We all feel wronged in some way, and we all create a personality that reflects this…until we see from the point of view of the One.
Maybe ask yourself, might you be doing things you don’t really want to do, hoping to be loved and valued? If the answer is yes, you are not alone. The way out is to love, listen to and value our own voice.
I love you!
Written June 2011